Snip, Tie, or Try to Remember Your Cycle: Birth Control for the Bold and the Forgetful”
- Jennifer Tollefsrud
- May 2
- 10 min read
Updated: May 13
Natural Birth Control: The DIY Guide to Not Getting Pregnant (and Everything Else You Never Knew You Needed to know)
So, you want to avoid #pregnancy without #hormones, devices, or anything that might actually make your life easier. Welcome to the deep cavern(pun intended) of information that is natural #birthcontrol. Where your body is the app, your calendar is your best friend, and your cervical mucus is the star of the show. Let's explore your options, from supplements to IUDs to barrier methods, and see which flavor of chaos suits you best.🥸
What Is Natural Birth Control? (And Why Is It So…Natural?)
Natural birth control, also called #fertilityawareness or #naturalfamilyplanning, is the OG method: no pills, no implants, just you, your cycle, and a lot of wishful thinking. You track your #fertiledays using the #rhythmmethod, basal body temperature, and/or mucus inspection. Because nothing says #romance like a thermometer and a #mucuschart.
For the truly committed, there's also the withdrawal method (good luck with that timing), Birth control, the only place where ‘pulling out’ isn’t a traffic violation.🚔 Then there is #lactationalamenorrhea if you're breastfeeding and your baby is as relentless as your fertility.
Effectiveness:With perfect use, natural methods can be up to 98% effective. With typical use, well, let’s just say you might want to start picking out baby names just in case.
Supplements: Can You Swallow Your Way to Cycle Control?(🫢no, that’s not what I meant…)
Myo-Inositol & D-Chiro-Inositol: The PCOS Dream Team
If you have PCOS or irregular cycles, you might have seen myo-inositol and D-chiro-inositol trending harder than oat milk lattes. These vitamin-like compounds can help regulate cycles and improve insulin resistance, which is great for getting your period back on track.
Do they work?
Yes, studies show they can help #regulatecycles and #promoteovulation, especially in women with #PCOS. In one study, 85% of women resumed #spontaneouscycles after #inositol treatment
Can you use them as birth control?
Absolutely not. Inositols make you more likely to ovulate, so unless your idea of contraception is "let's see what happens," you’ll need an actual birth control method.
Other Supplements: The Herbal Wild West
#Chasteberry (Vitex): May help regulate cycles, but not a contraceptive.
Magnesium, Omega-3s, Vitamin B6: Good for hormone balance, bad for birth control.
Herbal remedies (Neem, wild carrot, etc.): There’s little research and some are toxic, so unless you want to gamble with your liver, maybe skip these.
IUDs: Hormonal vs. Non-Hormonal-The Showdown🤠
Hormonal IUDs (Mirena, Skyla, etc.)
How they work: Release a small amount of progestin into the uterus, thickening cervical mucus and thinning the uterine lining. Sperm, meet your worst enemy.
Pros:
Over 99% effective.
Lighter or no periods (goodbye, tampons).
Can help with #heavybleeding, #endometriosis, and cramps.
Lasts 3-6 years, depending on the brand.
Cons:
Hormonal side effects possible (mood changes, headaches, etc.).
Irregular bleeding at first, but usually gets better.
Non-Hormonal IUDs (Copper/Paragard)
How they work: Copper is toxic to sperm, so the party is over before it starts.
Pros:
Over 99% effective.
Hormone-free (great if you’re sensitive to hormones, breastfeeding, or just like to keep things old school).
Lasts up to 10-12 years.
Immediate return to fertility after removal.
Cons:
Can make periods heavier and crampier, especially at first.
Not ideal if you already hate your period.
Which One Should You Choose?
Situation | Best IUD Type | Why? |
Want lighter/no periods | Hormonal | Reduces or eliminates bleeding/cramp |
Sensitive to hormones | Non-Hormonal (Copper) | No systemic hormones |
Need long-term, low-maintenance | Either | Both last years, both >99% effective |
Already have heavy periods | Hormonal | Can help lighten flow |
Want hormone-free contraception | Non-Hormonal (Copper) | No hormones, lasts up to 10+ years |
Barrier Methods: The Good, The Bad, and The Messy🛑🥅
Diaphragm
How it works: Flexible dome covers your #cervix, usually with spermicide.
Effectiveness: 87% with perfect use, but typical use drops to 82% (because who’s perfect?).
Pros:
#Nonhormonal, reversible, and partner can’t feel it.
Can be inserted hours before sex (#planningissexy).
Cons:
Must be used with spermicide (messy, can cause irritation).
Doesn’t protect against STIs.
Needs a prescription and fitting.
Risk of #UTIs and, in rare cases, #toxicshock if left in too long.
Spermicide Gels
How it works: Kills sperm on contact. Available as gels, foams, or suppositories.
Effectiveness: About 72% with typical use-so, not exactly a gold medalist.
Pros:
Cheap, easy to get, no prescription needed.
Can be used with other methods for extra (minimal) peace of mind.
Cons:
Can cause irritation, allergic reactions, and increase risk of UTIs.
Frequent use may increase risk of HIV/STIs due to irritation.
Messy. Like, really messy.
Female Sterilization Surgery: The Permanent Birth Control Power Move
When it comes to birth control, sometimes you just want to hit the “permanent” button and never worry about it again.
Enter surgical #sterilization for women: the ultimate “I’m done” statement to your reproductive system. Let’s break down what’s available, the pros, the cons, and why you’ll want to think twice before scheduling that “tubes tied” party.
Tubal Ligation (“Getting Your Tubes Tied”)
This is the classic: your #fallopiantubes are cut, tied, clamped, or blocked, so eggs can’t meet sperm, and everyone goes home disappointed (except you, because you’re not getting pregnant).
How it’s done:
Usually performed laparoscopically (tiny incisions, quick recovery, minimal Frankenstein vibes).
Can also be done as a minilaparotomy (slightly bigger incision, often right after childbirth for that “two birds, one hospital stay” efficiency). This is what I did way back in 1999 when my youngest was born.
Sometimes, both tubes are completely removed (bilateral salpingectomy), which also lowers your risk of #ovariancancer.
Pros:
Over 99% effective-your fertility is basically in witness protection.
No hormones, so no mood swings, weight gain, or blaming your birth control for eating an entire pizza(this maybe in the wrong category..🤔).
One-and-done: no more remembering pills, patches, or which week you’re on.
May lower ovarian cancer risk, especially if the tubes are removed completely.
Cons:
It’s surgery, so there are risks: infection, bleeding, anesthesia mishaps, and the possibility of your surgeon being a Monday person.
Permanent. Yes, there are reversals, but they’re expensive, complicated, and about as reliable as a weather forecast.
Does not protect against STIs. You’ll still need condoms if you want to avoid more than just pregnancy.
Recovery time: usually a week or two before you’re back to full speed.
Regret is a real thing (up to 20% in some age groups), so don’t make this decision after a rough day with a toddler.
Tubal Removal (Bilateral Salpingectomy)
This is the “extra credit” version of #tuballigation: both fallopian tubes are removed completely. It’s just as effective at preventing pregnancy, and bonus points for reducing the risk of ovarian cancer even more.
Hysterectomy: The Ultimate Shutdown
If you want to go all the way, a #hysterectomy removes your #uterus (and sometimes your #cervix and #ovaries, too). This is usually done for medical reasons like #fibroids, cancer, or #endometriosis, but it’s the nuclear option for birth control.
Pros:
No more periods. Ever. Welcome to the panty liner-free life4.
Can fix other health problems at the same time (bye-bye, fibroids)4.
No hormonal changes if ovaries are left in place.
Cons:
Major surgery: longer recovery (up to 6 weeks), more risks, and you’ll be off the dance floor for a while.
Permanent and irreversible. There’s no “undo” button here.
Not usually recommended just for birth control unless you have other medical needs.
A Few More Surgical Tidbits
Most sterilization surgeries are outpatient, so you’ll be home the same day-just in time to enjoy your new, worry-free status.
#Laparoscopic methods mean smaller scars and quicker healing, so you can get back to your regularly scheduled programming.
If you’re feeling generous, consider a vasectomy for your partner: it’s simpler, safer, and he’ll get to complain about it for years.
The Bottom Line
Female sterilization is the ultimate “set it and forget it” birth control. It’s over 99% effective, hormone-free, and comes with the added bonus of never having to buy another pregnancy test. But it’s surgery, it’s permanent, and it’s not for the faint of heart (or the indecisive). If you’re sure you’re done with babies and ready to retire your uterus from active duty, this could be your move. Just remember: there’s no going back-unless you count regretting your choices as a form of time travel.
Should You Use Natural Methods If You’re Autoimmune or Neurodiverse?
Autoimmune:
If hormones make your immune system go haywire, non-hormonal options (copper IUD, barrier methods, natural tracking) are often better. Just remember, natural methods require daily commitment and a healthy dose of optimism.
Neurodiverse:
If you have #ADHD, #autism, or #executivefunction challenges, natural methods might be the ultimate test of your organizational skills. If you struggle to remember where your keys are, tracking your mucus daily may not be your best bet.
Male Birth Control: The Options, The Pros, The Cons, and The Snip🫣
Let’s be honest: when it comes to birth control, #men have historically had about as many options as a vegan at a Texas barbecue. But times are changing, slowly. Here’s a rundown of what’s available for the fellas, from the classic condom to the surgical snip, with all the pros, cons, and awkward moments you never asked for.
Condoms: The Old Reliable
What are they?
Thin latex or plastic sheaths that you roll onto your penis before sex. They catch sperm, prevent pregnancy, and double as the only method on this list that also blocks STIs.
***So unless you are in a longterm, monogamous relationship, the medical community recommends EVERYONE use #condoms, regardless of your birth control choice.
Pros:
Easy to get (no prescription, just a quick trip to the pharmacy or a very awkward moment at your aunt’s house).
Protects against STIs-because nothing ruins the mood like a surprise infection.
No hormones, no surgery, no recovery time.
Cons:
Real-world failure rate is about 13%-because sometimes people are in a hurry, or forget which way is up.
Can break, slip, or just kill the mood if you’re not a fan of latex origami.
Some people are allergic to latex, which is a great way to discover new allergies.
Spermicide: For When You Want to Add a Little Zing
What is it?A chemical that kills sperm, available as gels, foams, or suppositories.
Pros:
Cheap, accessible, and can be used with condoms for extra (minimal) peace of mind.
Cons:
Only about 72% effective with typical use-so, not exactly a home run.
Can cause irritation, which is exactly what you want in your most sensitive areas.
Frequent use may increase the risk of UTIs and, ironically, make you more susceptible to STIs.
Withdrawal: The Pull-Out "Plan"
What is it? Also known as “coitus interruptus,” this method involves pulling out before ejaculation.
Pros:
Free, spontaneous, and no equipment necessary.
Cons:
Failure rate of about 20% with typical use-because timing is everything, and sometimes everything is off.
Pre-ejaculate can still contain sperm, so it’s more of a suggestion than a guarantee.
Not recommended if you’re easily distracted or bad at math.
Vasectomy: The Surgical Mic Drop
What is it?A minor surgical procedure where the tubes that carry sperm (vas deferens) are cut and sealed.
Pros:
Over 99% effective-once you’re cleared post-procedure, you’re basically shooting blanks.
Permanent, so you never have to think about birth control again (unless you change your mind and want to reverse it, in which case… good luck).
No effect on hormones, sex drive, or performance. Your semen looks and feels the same-just a little less crowded.
Cheaper and simpler than female sterilization, (insert very loud throat clearing sound here..,)with a short recovery time (most men are back to work in a few days, and back to complaining immediately.
Cons:
Permanent. Did we mention that? #Permanent.
Upfront cost, but saves money long-term if you’re committed to #childfree living.
Reversal is possible but complicated, expensive, and not always successful.
You’ll need to use another method for about three months post-snip until your system is cleared out. Think of it as a final farewell tour for your sperm.
Vas-Occlusive Methods: The Sci-Fi Hopefuls🔬
What are they?
Injectable gels or implants that block sperm in the vas deferens, with the promise of being reversible. #RISUG and #ADAM are in clinical trials, but don’t hold your breath-they’re not at your local clinic just yet.
Pros:
Potentially reversible, long-acting, and less invasive than vasectomy.
Cons:
Not available outside clinical trials.
Reversibility in humans is still more theory than fact-so don’t throw away your condom stash just yet.
The Bottom Line
Condoms: Great for protection and portability, but user error is real.
Spermicide: Cheap and cheerful, but not a solo act.
Withdrawal: Free, but about as reliable as your WiFi during a thunderstorm.
Vasectomy: The gold standard for men who are done with baby-making-permanent, effective, and surprisingly low-maintenance.
Vas-occlusive methods: Maybe someday, but for now, they’re the flying cars of #contraception.
So, gentlemen, whether you’re looking for a temporary fix or a permanent solution, you’ve got choices. Just remember: the best birth control is the one you’ll actually use-consistently, correctly, and without needing a PhD in reproductive biology. And if all else fails, you can always become a monk.
Final Thoughts: The Full (and Bonkers) Birth Control Spectrum
By now, you’ve toured the entire birth control buffet-from natural methods that require the dedication of a #NASA scientist, to supplements that regulate cycles but definitely won’t keep you from buying diapers, to IUDs, barrier methods, and beyond. But let’s not forget the grand finales: the surgical options for both men and women, where the phrase “permanent solution” is not just a suggestion, but a lifestyle.
For the Men:Gentlemen, your main event is the vasectomy. A quick outpatient snip that’s over 99% effective and generally safer, faster, and less dramatic than the female version. You’ll be back on the couch in no time, milking sympathy and avoiding yard work. Just remember, it’s permanent, so be sure you’re done contributing to the gene pool before you book your appointment.
For the Women:Ladies, your surgical options include tubal ligation (aka “getting your tubes tied”). Bilateral salpingectomy (removing the tubes entirely), or the full-throttle hysterectomy (removing the uterus, usually for medical reasons). These procedures are highly effective, #hormonefree, and let you #retireyouruterus with confidence. But they are more invasive than vasectomy, come with a longer recovery, and should only be chosen if you’re absolutely sure you’re done with biological children.
Bonus: removing the tubes may even lower your risk of ovarian cancer-talk about a two-for-one deal.
The Big Picture:Permanent birth control is a popular choice for couples who are certain their baby-making days are behind them. Over 18% of women and nearly 10% of men in the U.S. rely on sterilization as their primary method. Vasectomy is generally less risky, less expensive, and easier to reverse (but still not a guarantee), while female sterilization is more complex but just as effective.
So, whether you’re tracking your mucus, popping inositols, relying on copper, or going under the knife, the best birth control is the one that fits your body, your lifestyle, and your ability to keep up with it😂. And if you ever need a conversation starter at parties, just mention “bilateral salpingectomy” and watch the crowd gather-or scatter.
Remember: choose wisely, laugh often, and may your contraception be as reliable as your sarcasm.
#BirthControlBuffet #ContraceptionComedy #NoMoreSurprises #SnipOrTie #CycleTrackingSaga #NaturalNotNaive #HormoneFreeHilarity #VasectomyVibes #TubesTiedTruths #IUDAdventures #BarrierMethodMadness #SupplementalSarcasm #PermanentPrevention #FamilyPlanningFunnies #MucusMatters #SurgicalSolutions #PregnancyPreventionParty #LaughingAtLifeChoices #SexEdWithASmile #BirthControlDecoded
Disclaimer: This post is not medical advice. If you want medical advice, ask your doctor, not your cousin’s Instagram.
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