“Gastric Grumbles:Glutened at Grandma’s, A Holiday Survival Guide”

Jennifer Tollefsrud
Nov 30, 2024
1 min read

Ah, the holiday season—a magical time filled with cheer, twinkling lights, and an endless buffet of things you can't eat. If you’re one of the chosen few whom gluten treats like a nemesis, you know the real challenge lies not in finding the perfect gift, but in dodging that stealthy wheat attack at your family gathering. 🌾

Spoiler alert: it found you. Again. So you got glutened. Now what?

Step 1: Embrace Your Inner Drama Queen

The first symptom of being glutened is the overwhelming desire to claim a fainting couch and announce your ailment to the world—or at least to the room.

Practice lines like, "Woe unto me, for gluten hath struck again!" or "Is this what betrayal feels like?"

Remember, it’s important to use high drama—theatric sighs and forlorn gazing into the distance are recommended.

If you have the talent, maybe a silent tear to emphasize the stabbing, rolling pains that are beginning in your bowels….😢

Step 2: Hydrate Like You're Running a Marathon

Your insides may feel like a chaotic blend of fire, thunder and sadness, but water your trusted ally. Chug it like you’re stranded in the Sahara. It won’t undo the damage, but it might make the aftermath a bit more bearable. Bonus points for sipping herbal teas with impressive claims of cleansing powers.☕️

Step 3: Digestive Enzymes & Activated Charcoal—The Undercover Agents

Deploy digestive enzymes like little undercover operatives sent to dismantle the gluteny threat. While they can’t undo the misstep, they might help your system process the gluten more efficiently, easing the discomfort.💊

Activated charcoal, not just something hipsters use for teeth whitening! Pop a couple of capsules and imagine them as tiny Pac-Men, gobbling up the pesky gluten particles. They might help absorb some of the rogue invaders, and at the very least, give you a cool

story to tell.

Step 4: Ginger and Peppermint to the Rescue

Nausea? Stomach cramping?

Enter the herbal knights in shining armor: ginger and peppermint. Whether in tea form, candies, or straight up oils, these are your VIP companions on this turbulent

journey. Sit back, sip slowly, and fantasize about a world where gluten is banished forever. Or where anyone who can eat it, experiences this feeling just once in their life time so they will know… for the rest of their life..what it is like when they are careless with someone else’s digestive system.🤨

Step 5: Netflix and Hibernate

Sometimes, the best remedy is time. Snuggle up in your coziest blanket, queue up your favorite guilty pleasure series,

and let your body do its thing.📺

Advise family members to avoid approaching unless armed with soothing soup or unseasonal fresh

fruit. Or whatever your favorite soothing food is…but approach with caution…we bite when injured!

Prevention Tips, Because Hope Springs Eternal:

Yes, I have a positive side…🫣

Become an Ingredient Detective:

Treat every dish like a suspect in a culinary crime scene. "Grandma, are these mashed potatoes hiding secrets? 🕵🏻‍♀️

Uncle Jim is there flour in the gravy conspiracy?” Did you use corn starch in the pie?

Yes you can make people uncomfortable… do you want to be sick for the next 4-10 days???

BYOF: Bring Your Own Food -

The simplest way to avoid being glutened is to bring your own stash of gluten-free wonders. Share your gluten-free dish like it’s the latest food trend.

I know…This is a VERY controversial move… Trust me, I’ve done it.

Educate, Gently:

When Cousin Pam insists that one bite won’t hurt," resist the urge to throw the cookie she just piut on your plate at her. Instead, provide a “brief” educational seminar on how even a crumb can unleash gastrointestinal

chaos.

Come prepared with a power point presentation on your phone or iPad if you think it will send your message home…🤓

It’s OKAY TO TAKE UP SPACE when you have special needs!!!

Everyone say it with me again and louder for those in the back that didn’t hear it the first time:📢

IT’S OKAT TO TAKE UP SPACE WHEN YOU HAVE SPECIAL NEEDS!!!

If that makes people uncomfortable, that’s their problem, not yours.Don’t make yourself sick so that everyone else feels better about you being chronically ill.I did this myself for too many years and it won’t get you anywhere but sicker.

Set Up a Safe Zone: 🚧

Establish a gluten-free area at the dining table, guarded vigilantly by an assigned Gluten-Free Sentinel (perhaps bribed younger cousin).My kids tend to jump in for me..they are pretty awesome like that.🥰

In conclusion:

While getting glutened at a holiday event is a rite of passage many of us wish we could "pass" on,

at least it provides ample material for my particular brand of sarcasm and storytelling.😏

So go forth, brave gluten avoider, and may your holiday season be merry, bright, and above all, gluten-free!🫡